Thursday, 25 July 2013

My Dark Night of the Soul

So its been a turbulent couple of weeks, which is why I've neglected to post. It was difficult coming up with something as everything was a bit doom and gloom for a while.
But luckily the storm has now passed, and yesterday I started to see the sunlight trickling through.

Living a creative lifestyle gives you high highs and very low lows. And as I get older & wiser, I start to see that this rollercoaster can be quite addictive - especially to those who like to live life exhuberently and dramatically! (not pointing any fingers ; )

As actors or anyone in the creative industries it can be so difficult to keep faith in what we do, how we do it and in why we are doing it.
We all have the 'dark night of the soul' as Julia Cameron calls it in The Artist's Way, but when we do, how do you emerge from it with new intentions, new goals and new thoughts?

Well I faced my 'dark night of the soul', last week in fact on top of preproduction for a short film that I'm producing and in between auditions and all sorts of other things.
Not fun.
Questions arose - fundamental basic ones such as 'Do I still love what I do?', 'Do I believe in it and in myself?', 'Why is this happening now?' and the biggie - 'Why cant I reach the ridiculously high goals I have in mind for myself?'*
*This question seems to change as you move in your career, in short you will never be satisfied as what you feel will satisfy you only keeps moving out of reach. That carrot dangling just out of reach.

This year I've started to be faced with the idea that being happy with where you are, is actually more fulfilling than continual striving. After speaking to my partner who is a psychiatrist, there is this constant cycle of striving, failure, disapproval which is a self fulfilling prophecy, keeping us from the success, approval, satisfaction cycle.

Then we get sick of the cycle, but instead of rewiring it to the positive, its easier to say 'well, I should get a real job', or 'I should try to work harder', or really 'I would have 'made it' by now if I was talented so just better to move on'.

Yes its a struggle, but faced with that dark night of the soul, I realised that for me, it was a shedding of the old and welcoming the new.
I left my old agent who was lovely but we weren't seeing eye to eye.
I renewed my commitment to classes,
took back control of my career and refocused on what I really want to work on

And suddenly.....

Auditions came pouring in!
Projects started to move forward (see www.aperfectsoldierfilm.com
I've got an interview with another agent!

Its very exciting to feel like I've turned a corner, so if you feel that anything is holding you back, I urge you to let it go. Shed the old skin, take back control of your life and where you want to go!

Here is another inspiring blog about Self Doubt :
http://michaellaskinstudio.com/theartisticstateofmind/the-virus-of-self-doubt.html

So let me know if you have any doubts, any old things you want to shed, or any amazing stories of what happened when you did!
I look forward to hearing from you!